Dear friends, family, family friends, friends of friends, co-workers, former teachers and coaches, random strangers I just handed this to in the grocery store, and all your dogs,

forgot to post this shite last week or this week or some week. my concept of time is totally wack and the following should explain why.

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the moon enters aries today and that is a mundane event. which is easy to agree with on monday. elizabeth taylor is visiting for the first time since NOVEMBER and i had forgotten how much she sucks. and how much chocolate that bitch makes me want. too bad theres nothing i can do about it because cows are involved somewhere in the process.

anyway, i didnt fall off the face of the earth. i just tempted fate back when i said i was "busy."

now i truly know what it is to be in the weeds. all the time. except some saturdays im in the woods. this saturday it was thirty something degrees, raining and i was running down winding trails on the greenbelt thinking "NATURE. FUCK YEAH." Actually my thought process was more like "I am cold. Its raining. I am in the woods. It is 7a.m. Was I supposed to take a right at that fork in the trail back there? Where is everyone? Have I passed those rapids before? What if theres a polar bear out here? Thats stupid. Im really stupid. and masochistic. this was a bad idea. i hate life. and why the fuck dont pancakes occur in nature" But magically after 7 miles of that plus running up Hill Alive twice (YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW WHAT HILL ALIVE IS. JUST TRUST ME ON THIS. ENJOY YOUR IGNORANT BLISS.) the endorphin rush had me pulling a 180 all bi-polar style and proud to be one of the dirty dozen who survived.

For those Dirty Dozen who came out and ran the trails this morning in the cold and rain,
I am dutifully impressed by your toughness and dedication.  Seriously.  You guys are above the norm.
 -Adam


NATURE.

FUCK YEAH.


oh and i dont read books now. I stare them down until i get the information i want. okay maybe thats chuck norris but I sure can run from mopac to 35 and back then hop on my bike and toodle around like it aint no thing. thats close to being able to eat transformer toys in vehicle mode and then poo them out transformed into a robot, right?

too bad i still cant quit referring to my period as elizabeth taylor, though.

thats a tough habit to kick.

anyway, the first open water swim was my moment to shine since i was a fish in a former life and a river rat in this one. not to mention how awesome i looked in my wet suit. especially when i had it half off and fell to the ground clutching my calf yelling NONONONONONONONONONO. That was hot. Adams been preaching the need for us to be consuming something other than water on a daily basis but it didnt sink in until i got my first leg cramp. that was 5 days ago now and my calf is still sore to the touch so you can bet your sweet patootie im downing smart water like its going out of style.

my new friend gino thinks im preparing for the apocolypse and will be queen once the dust settles. for awhile i wouldnt necessarily say i agreed with him. i was thinking i sacrificed my sanity just to get a charley horse in a wet suit and goggles. because sometimes i dont feel empowered and motivated and superwomanish with all these "goals" im attacking simultaneously. sometimes i just need a pillow to scream into. with lack of sleep, lack of social time, stress of fundraising, and the strain im putting on my body, some days i just want to crumple to the floor and have one of those snot-running-down-my-face-gasping-for-breath-the-world-is-ending type cries. other days im so high on endorphins im pretty sure I could barf rainbows and sunshine and unicorn kisses on cue.

Strikes and gutters.

the stars were telling me to surrender my logic and accept inconsistencies, no matter how much confusion they bring. just let the images unfold and figure out the meaning later.

evolve without thorns.

which i suppose is a good idea being as it is what i signed up for. learning to endure. to stick with it and ride out the pain. to not be done when adam says "Good job. Youre done if you want to be done."

we were running 400s and i was throwing up a little in my mouth last week when all this started coming together. 400s suck. I dont care who you are. It was one of the first days we had to run in the heat. That sucks too and i still dont care who you are. Some of us were not quite pushing ourselves as hard as we could. Of course Adam noticed. After cool down he sat us down and reprimanded a little for our lack of UMPH. He said

guys, i have news:

it never stops hurting.

you only get faster.

on behalf of our species, I apologize.
you have to learn to enjoy the discomfort and keep pushing.

about then i started to see gino's point. maybe i am BEING TRAINED TO BE A MACHINE.

which is fine with me because its also made me believe not only in fate but meeting it halfway.

so some balls i have yet to drop ive put in motion, motivated by the momentum id like to keep up for awhile.

the letter ive been writing in my head for months is finding its way to paper, slowly.

and my coworker stephen said i predict this wont be your last triathlon.

i said i predict this is just opening the flood gates.

because yes it hurts. i want to scream into a pillow sometimes. i throw up a little in my mouth other times. sometimes im running through the woods in the rain looking for pancakes.

but right now i am fast. and it feels good. and i dont want to stop anytime soon.

this weekend we lost an hour but gained a lot of mileage. on a foggy saturday morning we gathered for a little 20 mile ride, 4 mile run, 8 mile ride, 1 mile run. and then they handed us some "Are you really sure about this?" paperwork.

we were tweaking on endorphins and it seemed like a good idea at the time. so we recommitted, talked about safe sex/meteors headed towards earth dreams and stretched. then i went home to take a nap on the couch while my mom did my laundry and cooked me dinner. damn straight. i even got girl scout cookies for dessert while she fixed my vacuum.

i got to see the defords and the clearys and reckner for two milliseonds. we ate delicious treats and looked at car magazines. elisa talked a lot on what she thought was a cell phone. turns out it was just an ice pack. then we laughed so hard it hurt.

sunday i woke with too little sleep and nausea. mase and i ran and talked and burped and moaned over our belly aches. 70 minutes later we stopped and vowed never to get out of bed again.

i was comatose when the storms rolled in that afternoon but i finally did pry myself away from my cave to get up, get out and walk in the rain with a cup of jasmine tea. bob and i walked through yards, stepped over puddles, wandered down trails, crossed bridges, and found bluebonnets and kickballs and windmills and giant cement gorillas.

i hate that im going to have to break it to dad that someones already beat him to the punch with his "giant cement gorilla in the front yard" idea. he's going to be crushed.

this week i plan on eating GLUTTEN FREE NOODLES that i got at the co-op. what do you think about that. i also plan on opening a new book on the patio one day when the weather permits.

in summary, this weekend was pleasant. spring and the smell of bananas are in the air and gorillas are in someones front yard. my apartment smells a little, but im happy.

well apparently PANTS is the magic word. You need cash money, just mention pants. or not wearing them, to be exact.

so far from coworkers i have received a quarter from juanEs aka "huffy" and a FUCK YOU, CANCER coupon from honk. im straight up making a haul.



nathan gave me a new road cone but i dont think that has anything to do with cancer. i think that was just plain awesome.

and only one marriage proposal to report so far.

thanks to everyone who has donated so far. your friendship status has been elevated to GOLD and I see delicious treats in your future!!!!
Not from me of course. Since when do i know how to make anything other than instant oatmeal. Im just saying karmas probably got your back. Im too busy triathloning and begging and praying for cash monies and pancakes to fall from the sky.


this last weekend was magical. Friday we got off 15 minutes early from work because it was pretty outside. the stars rewarded due diligence and predicted everything would be swept under the carpet. meaning my biggest concerns were too-big red stilhetos and downtown parking. i politely passed piggy back offers, enjoyed open patios, martinis and good company.

then i went home, changed into pjs and watched a fred rogers documentary with jessica.



the man was just a phenomenal  human being. period.

and it was an amazing friday. period.

saturday, however, took a turn.

i woke up to 6:30 am
41 degree temperature
HAIL (YES, HAIL)
15 mph wind
20 mph gusts
and 80-90 rpm cadence
for 25 miles

I pushed myself pretty hard because bed sounded slightly more appealing than hanging out in a hail storm in spandex. at least i had a helmet on. when else are you THAT prepared for a hail storm? Coach Adam told us to "enjoy the discomfort" because thats what his wife tells him all the time and our reaction was much the same.

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.

I was like screw this im gonna go enjoy my pancakes now. So i did. and then i enjoyed drooling on my pillow the rest of the day.

sunday was yet another amazing day. we had an hour run followed by a "surprise". now remember team in training uses lots of "lying" or "severely misleading" training techniques so when I heard "surprise" I nearly bolted into oncoming traffic. and i probably should have because our surprise was to run up the steepest hill in the whole entire world a couple of times while being yelled at. okay maybe it wasnt the steepest hill in the whole entire world, but it sure felt like it at the time. and the real challenge was just holding our breakfast down.

after recovering we let one of our coaches try to coax us into the cult of veganism. his story was pretty crazy and inspiring. and it also crushed my dreams of one day living in a house made of cheese. he basically beat cancer by going vegan. he broke down some of the dairy misconceptions we've all been raised on and told us about how he and his wife plan on naming their first child Kale. and i think the second will be Pinto Beans Williams.

so i may seriously give compassionate eating a shot. this would mean giving up chocolate and cheese, my two favorite food groups. worst case senerio i go completely insane. yes, ive had a hard enough time with being vegetarian because broccoli agitates the carnivores, but if I can raise over a grand in two weeks by promising to run around with no pants on, i can do anything. so soy here i come.

after the "Beef up your inner vegan" spiel, me, mase and some of our teammates gathered to eat macrobiotic hippy foods and talk about everything on earth. it was amazing. i dont know if it was the grass we were were grazing on or the hypnotic hippy flute music or maybe there was something the hippies put in the tea, but we definitely all agreed our taste buds needed readjusting and there was an undeniable energy in the air.

unlike today. energy is in liquid form today. ie a shit ton of tea. and i still have 4 hours of work left, spin class, then hollys birthday celebration. AND somewhere in between all that i need to finish my letter to luci baines johnson about sandwiches and cancer and her best friend Peter Williams who's from L.A.

if i had to list things i felt like doing today my list would look like this:

1. drool on pillow






**please note that "eat pancakes" wasnt even on that list.

first thought on the brain this a.m.: NO.

i live in cat food now because thats how tweedledumb and big kitty like to show their concern over my schedule. over-turned food bowls, tapestries ripped off walls, bills knocked off the desk into the water bowl. this is what sluts do when they dont get what they want. they wreck shop.

if i had an available 2 seconds to clean it up i would but im up to my ass in alligators. so living in cat food it is.


yesterdays itinerary:
4:10am: automatic internal alarm (mentally hit snooze)
4:17am: real alarm w/ "after hours" djs still djing (begrudgingly comply)
4:50am: weights:
lunges- 3 x 12
bench press- 3 x 10
roman deadlifts- 3 x 15
skull crushers- 4 x 8
crunches- 4 x 40
barbell curl- 3 x 10
calf extension- 3 x 12 (160 lbs!!!)
5:45am: 4 mi run
6:30am-8am: shower,dress,prepare lunch, breakfast.
8:30am-5:30pm: slammed, work through lunch and bathroom breaks.
5:40-6pm: taking the lords name in vain in traffic on 6th
6:15pm: late to track practice.
finally pee
drills (sides, grapevine, high knees, backwards running, bounding, strides)
light jog warm up
1 mi, 90 sec rest
1 mi, 2 min rest
.5 mi, 90 sec rest
.5 mi, 2 min rest
.25 mi, 90 sec rest
.25 mi
3 mi cool down
8:30pm- shower
9pm: back to work
9pm-1am: workworkworkworkworkwork
2am: after 22 hours, finally, stop.

---------TOTAL:
4 hours sleep
13 hours work
10.5 miles run
1 solid meal
2 pissed cats

okay i suck at math but this is shitballs, right?


still have 100 letters to send out, 625 dollars to raise in a few weeks, vacuum to fix, Rx to fill, groceries, spinning, bricks, long runs, sisters bday dinner, happy hours, vegan cult recruitments, and id like to punch a baby.

today peter has come by to remind me to eat carbs and dave has done a good job with the positive reinforcement. we're "fresh as daisies, tails a' waggin" after a two week shit storm, so he loves us. and we heart him, no matter what.

also cadyn went for snacks 30 mintues ago and was never heard of again. and paint chips is singing the john williams interiors jingle on 5 minute intervals.

here is a recreation of a beau-beau baggins original that encapsulates my exact feelings right now:


at this point i could be like one of rumeysas clients and just quit at life. just throw my hands in the air and say "i dunno what happen to muh car. i cant find it i guess ill just sleep til noon and wait to be fired and then be an asshole to the cute, smart girl whos trying to show me how to wipe my own ass. OH AND GIVE ME A FREE GAS CARDS WHILE WE'RE AT IT EVEN THO I LOSS MUH CAR."

thats tempting.

then again, gouging my eyes out with a spork is pretty tempting right now as well. lying down and taking it from life doesnt sound too shabby. i mean gas is pretty expensive. and i remember a time many moons ago when noon was a nice time to still be in bed.

but as cheesy as it sounds, sometimes when im running and it sucks and that voice says "you know it would be awfully easy to stop moving your legs now and go eat some pancakes instead" i think of something mase passed on to me: no matter how painful it gets, I have that option, to stop. Those that are battling cancer do not have that choice. "hey this cancer thing sucks. I think im going to go have some pancakes instead." Thats not how it works. this fact makes the decision to keep pushing and not puss out for pancakes much easier. not to mention it reminds me what im doing this all for.

so im going to be a good girl tonight. id be nice to drown the residues of the shit storm thats been raging for the last two weeks in some happy hour chocolate martinis and then proceed into the arms of the t.g.i.w. crew. but i know what i need more than anything right now is to go to bed at 6pm like the rock star i am so i can have the energy to plow through tomorrow.

im not getting what i want right now, (IE PANCAKES OR CHOCOLATE MARTINIS OR MY WEDNESDAY PEEPS) but maybe if i play my cards right on friday i'll get to wreck shop.*





*wreck shop- see "get crunk off 2 beers"

we got to hear a building being demolished this morning. thats the kind of stuff that happens early in the a.m. that under normal circumstances id sleep through. theres this whole other world that exists while im usually sleeping off a hangover, apparently. like last weekend it was getting to see marathoners peeing in the bushes everywhere. if i hadnt joined team in training i would never have the lovely experience of seeing a woman run out of the bushes pulling her pants up while yelling at her friends "AHHHHHHHH".

so we heard the building fall like thunder then it was off to run on mountain bike trails. and let me tell you how happy the mountain bikers and hobos were about us being on their trails. it wasnt long before the protein shake i had at 6 a.m. was going "haha try steak next time, hippy".

plus rumeysa wasnt there to make goat noises with me which is usually what keeps me going when faced with a hiking situation. that and bananas. and i had none of either.


"ready to hike"

before we began our expedition it was explained that there would be some rock obstacles and someone i need to be friends with asked "Will you be throwing them at us?". todays purpose was to utilize muscles we didnt know we had - aka our mountain goat muscles. which as it turns out was our neck muscles because we were looking at the ground the whole time dodging roots and rocks. I asked if there were going to be any snake pits and another girl asked where the bathroom was. of course it was a guy who answered "everywhere".

it was pretty awesome really. i guess i feel this way because i was raised a river rat so it was kinda back to my roots. minus the teevas and cattle.


"nature" and my sister running through it.


see some things never change.


anyway my senior moments have been fewer and further between this weekend. although i did go to a tupperware party for brunch yesterday and spent last night hanging out with Twinkletoes while she did laundry. pretty awesome. but i didnt lose my phone and the vacuum is still broken so i was unable to suck up the other half of my living room rug. so hey, theres that.

now i just have to have 100 letters ready to mail to people tomorrow. first of all i have to figure out if i know 100 people. then i have to find their addresses. then i have to find a way to get envelopes with no money because remember i lost my debit card last weekend. im thinking maybe i can barter. too bad the only thing im rich with is cheese. #10 regular 70 lb. for havarti, anyone?

maybe i could barter with these things i found call "checks"? i hear they were used for bartering back in the day. cause this no money thing sure is becoming an issue. like i hope its okay to feed cats cereal. it would be nice if my new debit card would arrive because cats dont like Fiber Plus apparently.

JUST KIDDING.

but seriously. 100 letters.
i could really use some crystal meth about now but guess i'll settle for endorphins and trail mix.


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plz help fund my attempts to break the pantless land speed record

i seriously wanted to high tail it to florida in a diaper by the end of friday. i started out wanting nothing more than my bed, but the week from hell apparently wasnt through with being up my ass just yet. but hey at least we got free breakfast tacos. tacos ease the pain a little. especially when they are thrown at you first thing in the morning.

thursday night i was thinking the week of stabilizing-my-sanity-through-tacos was all worth it - for our big company party. there were moments where i was very disorientated and not just because the cosmos were going straight to my head. but because there were some strange goings-on at the cheese table. i had to check with the people around me to make sure i wasnt in heaven because every time i looked to my left the cheese was freshened. i dont know where it kept coming from or where it went to but i liked feeling like it would never end. my mind was at ease.

true story: one of my coworkers didnt recognize me until he was reminded "cheese girl" then he asked where id been all night and it was pretty funny that i got to say "the cheese table" and mean it.

never felt cooler in my life, basically.

anyway, Grupo Fantasma played our party. im afraid now im going to have to challenge Prince to a serious game of rock-paper-scissors to win weeky possession of this fantastic group. you should have seen everyone getting down with them bad selves.

peter even invited his friend lucy baines johnson to get crunk with us. stephen talked to her but forgot to ask for sandwiches. but thats okay because melissa has a plan. melissas plan is to just put on her swimsuit and goggles and go up to the 12th floor like "What?" because how could they not let her swim on the roof if she came up ready to go?

"failproof" is the word youre looking for.

which is technically two words but this is my blog so i do what i want here.

our open house was also good because holly was there and wanted to hump everything. first it was our large format printer and then it was a KUT employee. hank kept trying to scare Paint Chips with his dirty dancing. but thats just hank "too-far" benzenberg. sometimes he likes to get fat on fridays and other times he loses his butt flies. mostly though, he just sticks to grinding on Paint Chips.

anyway there were tequila shots. then i got a new stalker. then i missed sushi at midnight. then i told the bedtime story "the legend of the donut man" and we went home to let visions of beer bottles dance in our heads.

so thats that and somewhere in between all of it, from the preparation all the way through to the aftermath, i managed to find time to run up and down a hill over and over and over while being yelled at. cadyn refers to this as "torture". i refer to it as "therapy".

one of the techniques of coaching that ive picked up on in this program is this "lying method" theyre using. like its running out of style. like when coach adam says our workouts should be "different" and "fun" what he really means is "grab a shovel and start digging". because thats what you do in hell - you dig. (we figured that out at work the other day.)

anyway saturday early a.m. i had the megaphone to look forward to and "what a treat" it was. no digging though. just a brick workout. run-bike-run-bike-run-noodlelegs-pancakes-collapse-nap.

some people discovered the meaning of the word "tailwind", a concept ive always loved. adam drove alongside me on my bike to commend my cadence, which was awesome, hoo-ya. and to remind me to focus on pulling up with my heel to conserve quad energy for the run. right about then i was thanking god for his third best invention, clips. (first best invention being the stapler, second being the elevator.)

then it was onward home to the pancakes-collapsing-nap-twitching and mumbling heaven portion of the morning. because thats what something within me is screaming between the sheets during those post-torture comatose moments - heaven. even though theres no cheese table in sight.

NAPS. the word just rolls off my tongue now.

i need more hours in the day to squeeze in the daily recommended hours of sleep. and heck a chance to take the trash out would be nice too. Currently i "function" on what feels like daily minutes of sleep. which is why my cats are pawing at the pantry door. but hey at least i havent had abraham lincoln and his pet beaver stage an intervention on me yet.

have you ever been watching that abraham lincoln and beaver sleeping aid commercial and thought "man if i really do have a dream with abraham lincoln and a beaver now its going to be weird on SO many more levels"?

sorry, this is why i use the term "function" lightly.

okay id love to keep yapping but I think i should go sleep instead of staying up to complain about not getting sleep. gotta have enough energy to make it through the "treats" they have planned for us tomorrow.

(aka "hunting bears in the woods with sticks")

which has WHAT to do with triathloning i dunno. im just trusting in coach adams spiel about how everything we're doing serves a purpose.

lately my mailbox is full of messages about meeting at the rock, the track, the pool, the veloway, the gym the high school, hugos house, not forgetting water, using pee charts, replacing electrolytes, lost goggles, fajitas and of course viagra. because ive had my email address since i was 13 and it was bound to happen that id eventually start getting letters from orphaned cocoa farmers daughters in africa who just need my bank account number.

i think i figured out coach adam is saying "hoo ya" and not boo-ya. which is a huge relief. im taking it as a sign that this was meant to be and i am cleared for take-off.

dave thinks i should be asking coach about substituting running for bouncing, though. swim-bike-bounce is the way he thinks it should go down. i told him id look into it but im doubtful adam would be hoo-ya'ing that, seeing as he's more of a backwards triathlete supporter.

this schedule is pretty intense and i think its starting to cause the cheese to slide off the cracker. I wake up on my back every morning which means im comatose through the night. which is most certainly unfamiliar territory. yesterday i lost my phone and found it later in my helmet. then i broke my vacuum and sucked up half my living room rug and scared the cats and there was definitely a lingering smell. then i forgot my clothes in the dryer. and today i lost my debit card. im starting to wonder if i should be operating heavy machinery.

so im losing it. but not in a bad way- i havent slapped on a diaper, grabbed a bb gun and high tailed it to florida yet- its more in a "oh im just turning into rumeysa" kinda way. we spend so much time together that shes starting to speak to me in turkish without noticing...and i think i understand.

one of the coaches even said something about us making a good team last weekend when we were riding and running side by side. when our core drills get so rough we're grunting and starting to hallucinate she yells for me to TELL HER A STORY TELL HER A STORY for distraction, and I just sing Pour Some Sugar on Me. and when one of the coaches rides up next to her to ask my name and say im pretty okay on my bike she explains how i used to train doing 30-40 daily miles on a big wheel back in the day.

so we've got each others backs and have even made elaborate escape plans over banana walnut pancakes.

yesterday morning i didnt have her there at practice to sing def leppard to but luckily it was the morning of the at&t marathon and there were live bands all around town lake. so when i finished my 5 mile run and coach asked how it was i just sang "867-5309" and the two girls running in front of me completely understood.

friday i was rich with cake balls. it was a pretty good day. i saw lucy baines johnson in the parking garage and somehow suppressed the urge to run up and ask her to make me sandwiches. demanding sandwiches from the presidents daughter is one of my coworkers fantasies since she lives on the top floors of our building and surely has jelly and peanut butter. everyone has jelly and peanut butter. and some days he's hungry for a pb&j and it would probably taste better if a presidents daughter made it.

it was this day i also realized this training im doing is testing my self control.. right about when rumeysa called to suggest we go to happy hour instead of yoga and i looked down at my cake balls and replied Cool lets get hammered.

so it was no down dog, just downed martinis for us. then i met this lawyer named after a cow and was intrigued. that is until i realized it was mardi gras and sluts were everywhere handing me bottle openers, cell phone cases and beads. then i remembered "oh forget you sluts i have to get up at 6:30am".

i was a good girl and didnt even stop by my friends "say goodbye to my beard" party.



and though im having to peace out of open bar parties before the cakes even been cut, Im really loving this crazy schedule. by 10am i have sang several great hits from the early 90s, run/biked/swam several miles, frolicked, learned about neuromuscular memory, cranks, wheels, rims, granny gears, and how to skin a cat. even after ive sucked up half my living room rug the day is still young.

so i nap a lot. my muscles ache, my bed is soft, the cats are purring. i fall into those deep sleeps where i wake myself up with my own talking and yelling. im sure my neighbors are excited about that AND the blender at 4:17am on weekdays when i make my pre-workout protein shake.

i like having my sights set on something because i think im getting stable enough on two legs to know how to go in for the kill. i think my parents are to thank for that. even though i keep having dreams that theyre kicking me out of the nest for buying the wrong soda and im yelling fuck yall im moving to turkey and jarring myself out of my 12pm nap.

i like getting up early to move in herds. and breaking away from the herd. and eating like a viking even though im sure vikings didnt have the luxury of cake balls. and learning the hard way that down dog is a much better pre-7am workout routine than 4 double gray goose dirty martinis. but as dave henke says "every day is a new opportunity for growth and development."

now if i could only remember where i left my debit card.

Tuesday night while i was frolicking across a field the inevitable "what have i gotten myself into" voice of self-doubt crept into my head. Not that i dont like to frolic, it was just that it was right about the time coach adam suggested at least one of us do the whole triathlon backwards. To generate an interest in more cash money donations of course. I honestly hadnt thought of the "Hey if you give me money I'll do three sports at once backwards" approach.

THERES A REASON FOR THAT METHINKS.

(okay perhaps because im too preoccupied with thoughts of frolicking)

(not that thats anything new)

the backwards triathloning was about when i realized that our leaders cheese was sliding off his cracker. It didnt help that he kept saying "HOO-YA?" instead of "WORD?" or "OKAY?" and i might have an aneurysm trying to figure out if its cute or not. If i find out hes actually saying "BOO-YA" Im going straight to the gun store. I know that much.

Anywhodooles, it was a painful run for me because im accustomed to operating at the speed of molasses. yes, under normal circumstances i wake up at an ungodly hour to run 4-6 miles. but theres a reason I have to begin at an hour thats ungodly, if you catch my drift. So this toodling around the curves and striding the straights ("sorta like a modified FARTLEK") started adding up pretty quick and i realized i wouldnt be volunteering to be a backwards triathlete anytime soon. the only thing i could foresee in my near future was a gigantic bowl of cottage cheese and a bubble bath. especially around lap 7 when HOO YA started getting more of the "maybe this isnt so cute" vote.

Mase and i had a condensed version of one of our therapy walks on the way back to our cars after practice and talked about how donut cravings are actually innate ancient subliminal survival mechanisms that were created many moons ago when highly caloric foods were sparse and much needed to survive periods of famine. I actually told her about this a few weeks ago but theres been poetry written about how this girl has the attention span of a fruit fly. So when I was giving my Sugar 101 lecture she was probably peeing in some bushes or chasing a butterfly. (two of her all time favorite hobbies)

Yesterday I must have felt a famine coming on because sugar sounded great the whole livelong day. actually a bowl of refried bat fat sounded pretty great too. a morning swim was to blame for this insatiable appetite because everyone knows swimming turns the stomach into a black hole. just look at whales. THEY ARE NEVER SATISFIED. trust me i tried cramming my tummy full of eggs and cheese and soy nuts and beans all day long and I still went home eying the cats while they enjoyed their "mixed grill" dinner.

the swim was worth craving cat food, though. I got in 3,200 meters not as quickly as id like but at least i wasnt swimming through pudding like i swear i was on monday. After finishing a timed 1000 I cussed at my watch and doubted my counting abilities a lot until the guy in the lane next to me paused at the wall. Im pretty sure this man pays rent to the gym to live in lane 2. Every single morning I walk in, 4:45am and hes already there swimming. I pound out close to two miles and as Im getting out of the pool he's still going. Never stops, not even for christmas. Except yesterday. That was the first time this merman has ever stopped swimming in his life and he did it to tell me "You're making me work way too hard."

And thats how I stopped caring that i dont know how to count.

today im filling my head with as much urine knowledge as possible. Its not ordinarily how i like to spend my free time but one of our coaches has sent all kinds of articles and such to further stress how important hydration is. The paler your pee, the better you're hydrated -- the darker your pee, the more you need to hydrate. If your not sure what it should look like, one of the documents in the link has a color chart to guide you.

DANG NO ONE TOLD ME I GOT FREE PEE CHARTS WITH THIS DEAL.



and id love to print it out and put it in the bathroom stalls here at work but i really need to get cracking on my website, my letter and gift wrapping a wooden pig i found on my lunch break. life is making me work way too hard lately and i love it.

so friday was like: dear diary, two cats in a duffle bag. the end. i came home late with bleeding hands to find the tapestries ripped off my walls because thats what little tweedledumb and big kitty like to do when they psychopathically know im having one of those days that makes me start to pull the flesh around my fingers off. but, to their credit, they do come sit with me when i cry.

then an army of ladies came over with bottles of wine. i must have had a sign on my door that said must be wearing panties to enter. which would also explain why rumeysa had to go home.

we watched the best episode of satc ever: the one where carrie throws fried chicken at people. paint chips even dropped by to pull some lent out of her pockets and throw it on my floor. so part two of this day led to no further damage to my cuticles. but it sure aided to my wine belly.

i had to get to bed early so i could wake up early and wear spandex. you know, be yelled at through a megaphone to drop to the ground and hover in the 28 degree air. by the end of the morning i was covered in mud and grass, panting and probably mumbling something about pancakes. jodie was to my left. she was my running buddy for the day. i met her when she ran up beside me and warned me about some dog poo on the trail. so naturally we ran together, as im not really a "details" person and sometimes dont see the piles coming.

plus shes a counselor and suddenly i had the impulse to blurt out some deep dark secret like "i secretly love that beauty and the geek show". but i managed to stifle the impulse and keep the conversation on the topic of how much it would suck to do pushups next to a porta pottie.

that was day one and the events leading up to it. kinda.

saturday we invented zipper-underwear pants over at hollys and ate a bunch of chocolate for dinner. we swapped our best doggie shocker collar stories and zinged each other with insults like "youre a republican".

we talked a little about shooting babies with water guns. i kept ice in my pants and thats not where i usually keep my ice but it worked out good that night because all the hovering i had done 14 hours prior had my back screaming yeah fuck this old lady. now i have an achy back, two cats AND i go to bed before 9. im pretty sure i get a discount at lubys too. the road to awesomeville is treacherous one but someones got to trek it.

and now ive killed the nurse-jennifer recommended 30 minutes of heat on my back and its time to admit i am le tired. if nurse-jenners magic voodoo works ill be up at 6:30a.m. doing it again, trekking it.